I liked that adopting from another country meant I wouldn’t have to worry about birth parents. Years ago when we first entered the world of international adoption, that was part of the appeal. Birth family complicated things, and I didn’t want to share my baby with anyone. We originally planned to adopt from China where babies are abandoned because the law doesn’t allow for relinquishments. Our first agency told us birth mothers look for a safe place to leave their baby, where the child will be found quickly and brought to an orphanage. That’s the way it’s done. And so, when we made the switch to Cambodia, I thought nothing of it when our agency contact told me that most babies in Cambodia were abandoned. I was even a little relieved when she confided that she had not asked any questions about her own twins adopted from Cambodia because she really didn’t want to know. If this wise, compassionate person who knew so much about adoption felt it was better to leave birth history unknown, who was I to think twice about it?
Even after we had our daughter’s referral, I thought very little of her birth parents or her history. I had every intention of finding out where she was abandoned and who named her but to worry about anything more than that seemed excessive. It was only when the INS started investigating adoptions from Cambodia that I thought much about her birth mother – and then it was concern that finding a birth relative would complicate things and make our adoption take even longer. We were told over and over that relinquishments were not legal in Cambodia – just like China – and so the whole investigation seemed like a bureaucratic waste of time. I later learned that there is no such law in Cambodia; relinquishments were in fact legal. But, according to our facilitator, the paperwork and time involved in a relinquishment were so burdensome to local and ministry officials that they instructed facilitators and orphanage directors to write “Unknown” on all children’s’ paperwork, regardless of how they came into care. Facilitators and agencies, apparently eager to keep things moving at a brisk pace and concerned about rocking the boat, accepted this unspoken rule without question. Nobody was the wiser and who did it hurt? The people of Cambodia are poor and they have strict social “rules.” A woman who could not afford to support a baby or had a child out of wedlock had no choice but to abandon – what other options did she have? Sadly, at that time and with the system that was in place, there really was little choice for birth families. And as a result thousands of children lost their birth histories, their very identities. But not all of those children were “abandoned” by mothers or families who could not care for them – some were stolen or coerced away from their first families. Because nearly every birth certificate declared birthparents “Unknown” it was impossible for the U.S. Embassy to discern which babies were legitimate orphans. And the deeper the U.S. government investigated, the more everyone realized just how corrupt the system really was. U.S. adoptions from Cambodia were shut down – and more than six years later, they remain closed.
We didn’t have an organization like Ethica then. No one stood up, as Ethica is standing up for Vietnam now, to say “children are losing their identities, an unacceptable ramification of this practice…[and] there is a very real risk that this behavior will affect the future of adoptions from Vietnam.”
While some may say that Vietnam is not Cambodia, the similarities cannot be ignored. According to Ethica,
“U.S. Embassy staff revealed that approximately 85% of the children being placed for adoption now are reportedly abandoned. 85%! The Embassy strongly believes that most of these “abandonments” are in fact staged abandonments.”
Eighty-five percent may not seem like a big number, but Ethica’s research shows that agencies that worked in Vietnam before the shutdown report that anywhere from 32%-48% of placements were abandonments. That translates into quite an increase in “abandonments” under the new system. Ethica wants to know why. And even more than that, they want to reverse this trend. Which is why Ethica has launched a new initiative, “Operation Identity“, calling on all agencies to report their own statistics both before and after the shutdown – and if agencies find that abandonments have increased, to direct their in-country staff to find out why.
This initiative is not only for the agencies – Pre-Adoptive and Adoptive parents have a role in this too.
Prospective and current adoptive parents should demand that their agency find, and fully report, all identifying information on the children they place. Your children. As parents, one of the most important roles is to be your child’s staunchest ally and advocate. For prospective parents currently in the process-that has to start now. Don’t let someone take your child’s identity simply because it is easier. Ask for the information. In most cases in Vietnam, someone knows who your child is. Your agency owes you the duty of finding every scrap of information available on your child.
I wish someone had said this to me back in 2001. I did try to find out more information about my daughter’s history, but only the basic facts surrounding her abandonment. I didn’t know how much I would regret not knowing more. I was too afraid to ask, “Is there anyone who might have information about her birth family?” I didn’t want to endanger our adoption, or anger our agency. But I should have asked. And now, it’s very likely too late. Whatever records there were in Cambodia have probably been destroyed, and my daughter is just one of hundreds of babies who share the same paperwork, the same village chief’s signature on their birth certificate, all other fields marked, “unknown.”
I didn’t know then, how much it would hurt my daughter not to know. I didn’t know that at only five years old she would already be asking questions. I didn’t know how it would break my heart to hear her tearfully ask, “but why can’t we find my Cambodia mom?” As KMA, an adult Vietnamese adoptee says on his blog, Borrowed Notes,
…children do not stay children forever. And, one way or another, these children, when they grow older and become adults themselves, will hold their adoptive parents, agencies and foreign governments accountable for those decisions that ultimately affected their lives.”
This is our chance. Vietnam does not have to be another Cambodia. For our children and for the future of Vietnam adoptions, we can not let this opportunity pass by. Let’s join Ethica and make a difference. According to Ethica there are three concrete things every P/AP can do:
The time for hand-wringing is over. We don’t have to wait for our government to act, or even for our agency to do something. We can put aside our fears and insecurities, our ignorance and naiveté, and take our place in this crucial fight for our children’s rights. Let’s change the way the system works – let’s put the children first.
64 Responses
Even though relinquishments are legal in Vietnam, it is my understanding that they are not confidential. I believe that it is quite possible that the increase in abandonments is due to the increased scrutiny rather than the other way around. A young unwed mother might prefer to “stage an abandonment†than to have her “illegitmate†pregnancy a matter of record, she might also fear visits from local officials and the U.S. agents which would be hard to explain to her community without admitting the pregnancy.
In addition, while I am not trying to minimize the pain of your particular children, everyone faces loss during the course of their lives. Everyone, adopted or not, has to forger their OWN identity, separate from the parents (bio or adoptive). We don’t live in a perfect world and right now the trade-off may have to be a child growing up in a loving family without knowledge of his biological history or growing up in an orphanage without the love & support of a family — or perhaps not being born at all (abortion). It would be nice if the choices weren’t this stark but in real life human nature and social mores shape a lot more individual choices in the world than an abstract idea of ethics
Interesting coincidence… right after I read your comment, I stumbled upon this adult adoptees blog post, titled “Be Grateful You Weren’t Aborted” … I think it’s important to read the views of those you speak about.
Audrey… your guess about the reason for some abandonments may be true… but how will we know unless we ask? That is why Ethica wants every agency to ask – and perhaps then agencies can make suggestions to officials to allow relinquishments to happen in a way that protects the birthmother’s identity. My son was relinquished as a baby at the beginning of the shutdown and we have a great deal of information on his birth history – and I am grateful for all of it, and thankful that my agency made the effort to work with his first mom and get the information while still protecting her privacy.
As to the losses everyone faces – I just think brushing aside the loss of identity as just “part of the deal” is wrong. And the truth is that if it weren’t for the thousands of dollars that each and every baby brings in adoption money, it’s likely some of them would still be with their first families – are we willing to live with that “stark” reality?
Even in countries without the option of international adoption, there seem to be plenty of abandoned babies & children growing up in orphanages. Presumably their birth families are not being paid to relinquish or abandon them in these cases?
As for the link you posted — a) I don’t believe that I’m speaking for others any more than you are and b) I don’t believe that every adopted person has had a miserable life or is constantly reminded that they should be grateful they weren’t aborted. There are plenty of people who grew up in their birth families who felt unwanted, who had terrible childhoods, and who have struggled to find themselves. Not all children kept with their birth families are wanted, loved, or cared for — it’s simplistic to assume (as the author of that website seems to imply) that all birth mothers would keep their babies if they could. Some would, some wouldn’t. People are individuals & have different motivations.
It is not a matter of minimizing the loss that an adoptee feels to point out that non-adoptees have lived with loss and grief also. Very few, if any, people in this world make it through to adulthood, let alone old age, without experiencing pain & sadness. Having information about his or her birthfamily is all to the good for a child, but it in know way inures the child from feeling loss, grief, confusion, etc.
I do think it minimizes people’s pain to compare it to others’. For example, I know that it is frustrating for me to hear people compare the pain of my adoption wait to things that I feel are not comparable. (ie, like waiting for Christmas). And I am the one who gets to decide which comparison I feel is painful, not the other person. For that reason, I would be careful about comparing adoptees pain to anything, unless I was myself an adoptee.
Wonderful post, Christina. I have two Vietnamese sons….one adopted just before the shutdown and one adopted as a toddler just after the shutdown. Both were legal relinquishments. One was a two-parent relinquishment. So, it breaks my heart to hear about the statistic trend towards “abandonment.” I agree with everything you posted, and personally, I have to add that it adds something for me as a mom to have information about my boys’ first parents. I feel more of a connection to their Vietnamese parents, so I can only imagine what that will mean for them in the future. I also have two Chinese daughters, both of whom have no information about their lives prior to being placed in their orphanages. Though we talk about b-parents and possible scenarios, they are all hypothetical. My girls are very young now, and so there is not alot of “emotion” attached to these conversations, but I am sure a time will come when we will deal with this dearth of historical information. They will have a different journey than my boys who have names, information, written statements, and in one case even a picture of mom.
Thanks for pressing adoptive families to take action on this issue.
That is my blog post that Christina posted above, and I have linked to my other blog which is the protest for Adoptee Rights and our access to our own identities for this post.
I am in full support of operation identity infact I made some buttons for it last night that I’ll be putting up on my blog to support their investigation and further looking into it for all bloggers in support of this operation to take and put on their blogs.
There is NO excuse not to provide a child his/her identity. There is no promise of confidentiality and privacy in the United States and I am unsure of cambodia laws to surrendering parents. It does NOT take a perfect world to honor the rights of the children and adoptees in any country of the world. Not even close. Stepping up and being a part of restoring the rights of adopted children and adults is the step in the right direction to openess and honesty. Yes some of us may have had beginnings that aren’t favorable, some of our beginnings start with tragedy like war, disease, poverty, abuse but that is stlll a part of us that WE deserve to own. That is a right NOBODY should have to take away from us. These are OUR identities. NOBODY elses and WE have a right to them.
United Nations child rights treaty: no child should be discriminated against due to their ancestry.
think about that.
Thank you for linking me 🙂
Openess and honesty FIRST and the rest will follow.
“There is no promise of confidentiality and privacy in the United States….” Actually, this statement is not entirely true. There are many U.S. born adult adoptees (I am one) that have absolutely NO access to their identities due to state regulations. Adoption privacy laws do vary greatly by state and some still have completely sealed adoption records. So, even domestic adoption is not transparent. Point being, there are many adoptees worldwide that do not have access to their birth identities. Does this make it right? Not necessarily. I’m just pointing out that issue impacts many adoptees of all ages and from many countries. The “excuse” that is given in the US is that the birth parents were promised privacy at the time of adoption, so as adoptees we do not have the right to violate their privacy. This is a very complicated issue and one that I don’t think can be stated as simply as, “there is no excuse not to provide a child his/her identity”. Whether we like it or not, birthparents have some rights in the process too. I think the issue is much more complicated in international adoption with countries where unwed pregnancy is still very much taboo.
Looking at all of the issues surrounding this makes my heart ache for my children and their birthparents. I wish so and hope that maybe one day we might be able to find our children’s birthfamilies. I know it is unlikely. However, I do think that as Westerners we often feel we can impose what we think is best on others. I believe that part of this lost information is our doing. By pushing for openess and forcing birthparents to give more than they are ready or able to give, we lose what they might have been comfortable sharing on their own. Birthparents here may want more openess, counseling and such. Perhaps that is not the same everywhere and I would imagine it is not the same for any two people anywhere. I can’t pretend to understand what they have been through as I have never walked in their shoes. Perhaps we presume too much. I fear that our children may have lost what little connection we could have had because we push too much for more. Certainly the information that is there belongs to the child and should be withheld by noone for any reason, but are we part of the problem? Have we made it so hard for birthparents that they have chosen a differnt path?
it would be good if such a depressing stigma didn’t exist.
Sadly, it’s still here in our own country, but it’s not as pronounced as in other countries due to changing times.
I would like adoptions in Vietnam to be as honorable as possible so that the children who need homes can get them. I would also, if I decide to adopt from there in the future, like to know who my child’s birthparents were so he or she can have that important information that everyone has a right to.
I appreciate all that you wrote Christina. I have a 10 year old who has had questions about his identity from the time he was young. While I always knew that he would experience pain and conflict around his adoption, I don’t think it can be compared to any pain that I have gone through. His questions are at the heart of almost every situation — movie themes, friendship exclusion, sadness about his birthday each year, concern about world events—because his heart is broken and can not be fully repaired. I agree that this is different than my issues about my own identity or any other pain. Two years ago, he was particularly angry and shouted, “It is all your fault mom, if you hadn’t taken me from Vietnam my birthmother would have come back and got me.” He wonders about her face– does it resemble him. He wonders about her math ability or musical ability. He has even wondered about her smell. We have almost no information about his birth family as he was abandoned. We send our yearly reports– hoping that someone will come forward and claim him as a blood relative. I know the situation will be what it is in the end.
I can’t compare. I know my identity and I choose to erase or embrace it. Yes, things might be hard but at the end of the day, for good or bad, I know who I am. My kids deserve that as do all kids. I would not have thought this 9 years ago but I have learned from my son. And I will do what it takes to help him search when the time comes. I owe it to him.
My son is only 6 and the signs of grief over the loss of his first mother have been evident for several years now. He was abandoned shortly after birth. He so wishes that he knew more about his first mother – he has spent evenings sobbing because doesn’t remember what she looks like and he misses her. He has convinced himself that she is dead – I think it’s the only reason his little boy’s mind can fathom to explain why she couldn’t take care of him. There is a such a big hole that all my love cannot fill.
I usually do not post details about my son’s experiences on blogs or listserves – it is his story. But faced with the possibility that some significant portion of abandonments could be staged with paper trails based on fraudulent documentation, PAPS must consider these consequences to the children – it is of utmost importance to keep the rights of the children front and center. I’m not saying that all adoptions from Vietnam must be fully open – it would be great to have that some day – I really don’t know enough about the social landscape in Vietnam to know how close or far away that goal could be realized.
The best thing for our children is to do our very best to find out all that we can about our children’s first families. To not settle with, “oh, they were abandoned….”
Of course children who were adopted can thrive as adults, being angry and or sad/devastated about the loss/intentional destruction of information about personal history does not mean that children who were adopted cannot thrive, but why would we not do all that we can to find out about our children’s first families?
Ethica’s site has some very important information on this topic that may make this more clear than I am. If you haven’t check out Christina’s link’s above, this might shed more light than I am able to.
I tend to agree with Audrey’s points. The fact is, unwed mothers outside the US often feel shame upon giving birth to a child. Similarly, relinquishing a child and enduring the public scrutiny, not to mention foreign government scrutiny, must also contribute to deep feelings of shame. Case in point: In Korea, the societal condemnation of a child born out of wedlock is so great that the child was not, at least in the past, allowed to get a formal education or a white collar job. Shame is not a concept we Americans seem to grasp — perhaps because of our open, exhibitionist culture.
It is indeed sad that a child may not know the full details of his/her history. However, the loss of identity CAN be mitigated, if the adoptive parent is responsible enough (and I’d like to think that most of us are) to inculcate the child with a strong sense of pride in his/her background — the Vietnamese culture, traditions, food, history, people. When the child is old enough, the parents could even make a trip back to the province where s/he was found in an orphanage.
But is the alleged rise of abandonments really what’s at stake here? If we’re questioning the large number of abandonments in Vietnam, then why aren’t we asking the same question of China, where the majority of orphans, from my understanding, are also abandoned? Far more adoptions have occurred from China than from Vietnam over the past few years.
Wow-
In my opinion, both Audrey and J are completely missing the point.
*However, the loss of identity CAN be mitigated, if the adoptive parent is responsible enough (and I’d like to think that most of us are) to inculcate the child with a strong sense of pride in his/her background — the Vietnamese culture, traditions, food, history, people.*
This statement concerns me, while exposing our children to their birth culture is valuable, it it no way makes up for the loss of a family, and to think that it does is naive at best.
I don’t believe that all adopted children will grow up to have gapin holes in their souls due to their loss of first family, I do believe in healing. But to not listen to adult adoptees, who in essence speak for our adopted children, is arrogant and unfortunate.
I am sorry to speak so strongly, but this is a topic I feel strongly about.
While I agree that all of us go through life with pain, only adoptees know the pain of the loss of the unkown. The reality is that in many, many cases, there does not need to be “unkown”.
Vietnam is not China. It is illegal to relinquish in China. It is not in Vietnam. It is far easier for agencies to place abandoned children than relinquished children. It is quicker and less messy. There are not first families that can change their mind. It is easier to produce “baby finders” to repeatedly tell their story than it is to fact check with first families. That is the reality.
We owe our children everything we can find out about their first families. Someday we will have women and men to answer to, not girls and boys. And what will we tell them, ” I was a good parent, you should be fine, losing your first family and having your history wiped should not have affected you because I took you to a Tet celebration to eat Pho every year….”
I really don’t think that is good enough. We need to get over our fear and do the best thing for our children.
I’m not taking sides on the larger issue here, but I am wondering, Jena, which adult adoptees “who in essence speak for our children” do we listen to? Do we only listen to the ones full of biterness or lonliness? Do we only listen to the ones who seem to have holes in their souls? Or do we also listen to the ones who have no information on their birth parents and don’t care? Do we also listen to the ones who know where they can get information about their birth families, but don’t want it becuase they don’t feel it is important or necessary? Quite frankly, I know and know of adult adoptees on both sides of this fence, and I wouldn’t let any one of them speak for my children. My kids need to figure out where they stand on all of this themselves, when they are old enough.
Elaine-
I believe that we need to listen to all adult adoptees. I have personal close friends who are adult adoptees who feel like they have no issues relating to their adoptions. They are happy, they don’t feel deprived or lacking. They don’t want to find their birth families. They don’t need to know about their histories.
I value that perspective as well, because it reminds me that we all have different experiences.
So what I meant when I said that adult adoptees speak for our children, is that all adult adoptees speak for our children until they have a voice of their own.
Quite frankly, I think my son will probably grow up to be the kind of kid to be like, “what’s the big deal mom?” Not because of my great parenting AT ALL, or my take on any of these issues, but because it seems, already, that that is his personality(very laid back).
Just like all of our life experiences affect us differently because of our personalities, as well as parental influence. I just want to give my son the chance to tell me that its not a big deal to him.
dorky- but I meant to say I have personal close friends where the wife is an adult adoptee…
sorry-it was bugging mea after I read over it.
From what I understand child relinquishment is not an option in China as it is illegal. So, abandoment (which I also have read is illegal) is the only life saving alternative. The fear of retribution rules. Our view of justice is far removed from the realities of life in China.
Jena,
I in no way meant to make light of a child’s lost history. Not having knowledge of his/her birth parents is a painful loss that will never go away. My point was that if a child is raised by parents who take an active interest in his/her background and roots, that child may still be able to thrive as an adult. If PAPs didn’t believe this, we wouldn’t be going through the adoption process in the first place, would we? I of course do not speak for adult adoptees, but I tend to believe that adoptive parents today show more interest in their children’s roots/heritage than did adoptive parents of the past. YMMV, but it is the parent’s responsibility to do as much as possible to make the child take pride in his/her birth culture.
“Do the best thing for our children?” And what might that be? It is unfortunate, but it is extremely difficult to find any information on an abandoned child’s birth parents. Before we jump to conclusions about the rise in abandonments in a foreign country, let’s gather cold, hard statistics, please. Otherwise, it is HEARSAY and RUMORS.
One other comment: mitigate does not mean eliminate. It means to lessen.
While it is important to try to understand why there are more abandoments now than in the past (is it because children are being bought/sold, it’s “not as messy” paperwork wise, birthparents want to lessen unwanted attention-perhaps by the US gov, etc), the truth of the matter is MOST of us will not have any birth information to share with our children. If this TRULY was something that was important to you, then (IMO) you should not have adopted from Vietnam (or China etc). There is birth parent information, history, even relationships that can be kept for children of domestic adoption, if that was something you valued then there were other adoption options available to you. I have heard (I have only adopted from China and Vietnam, so I have to go on what others have told me) that there is birth parent information in many cases from Korea, Russia etc. There are international countries where more information (who knows how accurate or truthful) is available.
My children are very young (18 mo and 3 yrs), so I have not had to face this issue yet, and my words may come back to haunt me someday…I hope not….but I do not think we can compare the adoptee experience from a domestic adoption to that of a 3rd world country. While I have never believed we have any right to any other womans child, the truth is most of our children will have far better lives than had they stayed in their home countries and lived in orphanages. The fact is, NONE of us are adopting children from any family directly in the country so to speculate that they would have had better lives-or it would have been better for them-had they stayed with their birthparents is irrelevant. The only option our children faced was that of living in an orphanage for their entire lives-MAYBE being domestically adopted or ending up in a foster home, but most likely not. That is not the case for American domestic adoption and frankly the economic situation of even the poorest American in most cases can not compare to that of the poorest people (or probably even the general population in many areas) in Vietnam or China. It is socially acceptable for a young girl to keep and raise her child here, that isn’t always an option in the countries we are talking about (our guide in China told us of a story where a families house was burned down when their ADULT daughter had her second child-this was done to put social pressure on the entire family-not just that individual). No one in American would have to live through what many of these people may face. There is so much I could go into that I just won’t because I am sure you get the idea why I think comparing adoptee experiences in the US and Vietnam are comparing apples to oranges. We can not change (no matter how much we may want to) our children’s beginings. Our children will have to live with the truth of their begining and the best we can do is instill pride in where they have come from (and yes, one way we plan to do this is to celebrate Tet and CNY) and support them through those tough years. I personally feel the people who are so angry and upset with all of this are going to do their children a disservice. Yes, we can tell our children how broken the system was, what MAY have happened, we can bemoan the fact that we don’t have any birth history to give them, but honestly isn’t that going to just make them feel worse since it doesn’t change anything? It is our responsibility to get as much information (and I plan to make sure my children have access to their adoption paperwork when they are older as I know this is truly all they will have, that and some photographs) about their start in life as possible and then help them through those eventual feelings of loss most of them will feel-not contribute to them with our my anger and guilt. I can not change the fact that both of my children were abandoned or that we have no information on their birthparents. I do feel guilty that WE chose this for our children (like Christina I also orginally chose China so I didn’t have to worry about birthparents and in many ways I do regret that decision for my child) but that is our issue to deal with, not my daughters.
International Adoption is not all ladybugs and dragonflies, nursery decorations and cute little clothes. But I for one am sick of feeling guilty and like I have done something wrong. My children have a better life than they would have if we had not adopted them. They would NOT be living in any sort of family situation. We did not steal them or rip them from their families. We chose adoption to build our family and we are proud of our children and their birth countries. And no matter what the US gov. or many people in this community think, we have done nothing wrong and our children are happy and loved. I am DONE feeling guility about any of this. I am sure there will come a day when my child will tell me I’m not his/her “real mom” and it will hurt me, but I also know if they were not adopted they would most likely come up with some other hurtful thing to say (I know I did when I was a child and I was not adopted).
I know I am going to be blasted to smitherings for this post, but I was just unable to keep my big mouth shut any longer:)
Tracy
(proud AP x 2)
No one should be ‘blasted’ for having an opinion. Yours is just as valid as anyone else’s, and you made some very valid points.
J – That’s exactly what Ethica’s ‘Operation Identity’ is doing – “gathering cold, hard statistics”. Ethica states that ” Statistics are important to establish when the trend (of more abandonments) changed, and whether or not the changes are geographically limited to particular areas. Statistics also point to where efforts at change need to be targeted. ” If the trend towards more abondonments is not reversed, besides more children losing information about their background, it could also be a factor in whether Vietnam adoptions continue.
I love what Ethica is doing and will mention it to my agency in hopes that they support the project. I do, however, have one comment in regards to Jena’s post (the theme of which I completely agree with – we can’t replace our children’s birth families with a party once a year, geesh). Jena wrote: It is far easier for agencies to place abandoned children than relinquished children. It is quicker and less messy.
That may be true for some agencies, however, with the agency I worked with, that is not correct. Abandonment cases are typically referred at older ages than children who are relinquished and the cases may take longer to get through the Vietnamese system in the particular provinces my agency works in, because the agency attempts to find the birth family, the local justice authority does an investigation, the local police also do an investigation, and THEN the case is approved. Relinquishments are able to be proceed more quickly because the parent/s are known and can be found for additional information if needed.
That may not be the way it works in all provinces, but I did want to say that abandonment cases do not always ‘speed’ through the system.
Dianna-
I am interested to hear your information on abdonments vs. relinquishments. That does make sense to me, and in fact that is the way it should be. It should be easier to fact check with known parents than try to track down whoever *found* the baby and verify that information.
I know that some agencies are dilligent in finding as much information and work only in provinces that support efforts to uphold the law and ethical adoptions.
The Ethica project is designed to determine if there is an explanation for the Embassy’s finding of a dramatic rise in abandonments since adoptions. We all know that there is more than one reason why a child might be abandoned rather than relinquished – shame, poverty, perception that abandonment is easier, etc. The Ethica report specifically recognizes that there are a combination of factors at work here. I want to highlight this from the report:
“Some will say, “erasing their identities is better than their staying in orphanages.” For some adopted persons that might be true, but the problem is that this practice might develop for one truly troublesome reason–to avoid scrutiny about how children come into care. It can be used to cover up abuses like the purchase of children and abduction, and while this is the worst case scenario that we all hope is not happening, it is not one that officials are willing to ignore.”
Sadly, child traficking for adoption has happened in Vietnam in the past – and France closed to adoptions from Vietnam in the late 1990s for that very reason. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/697050.stm; http://www.geocities.com/vnwomensforum/communitynews_2001.html (scroll down to November 23 AP article). We can debate the points raised in this forum endlessly. But if the reasonable answers to these questions and others are not reached, there is a real risk to the future of Vietnam adoptions.
I have learned a great deal over the last 6 years. And will have to answer to my children to the best of my ability. I, like many others, really believed that there would be real change with the adoption agreement. Plainly, they have not. It is not just the fact of child abandonment that is at issue here – it’s also the fact that it might be done for greed and profit. How can anyone find that an acceptable reason for the loss of one’s identity?
“Erasing their identities is better than their staying in orphanages?” This is an extremely loaded way of phrasing the question. Are you suggesting that spending their lives in a poor orphanage, in order to uphold someone’s idea of ethics, is better than living with a loving family?
Bad parenting (or no parenting) is a travesty, and one from which a person may never recover.
Tracy — I’m sure you will be “blasted” by a number of people for your post but I, for one, thank you for posting such an intelligent, insightful and REALISTIC comment. What you said sums up the situation for most adoptive parents & international adoptees. People who truly believe that children are being done a great disservice by being adopted under the current conditions in Vietnam should not be adopting from Vietnam.
As for people who have already adopted and are now active in bad-mouthing the process — It’s disingenuous, at best, to say, after the fact, that now that you’ve gotten your baby you’ve discovered that the system is so awful that other people should be prevented from adopting (which is essentially what all of this pressure about changing the process seems to be set to accomplish). If you really feel that corruption & deceipt were at work in the adoption of your own children — and that finding out about their birth families is the most important issue in their lives — then why not concentrate your efforts on investigating THEIR adoptions? Surely you could hire a private investigator in Vietnam? Or go back there in person to canvas the area & question the orphanage workers? And if you decide that, based on your personal “ethics” that the adoption wasn’t ethical, what then? Will you arrange for your child to reclaim Vietnamese citizenship & go back to the orphanage? I doubt it, but this seems to be what many of you are advocating for parents & children currently in the adoption process.
I have also observed that some of the adoptive parents, now safe at home with their babies, seem to be attempting to assuage their guilt about their children’s adoptions by projecting those bad feelings onto others who are already enduring a very stressful process of trying to build their families. To masquerade under the old political cry of “for the good of the children” is an easy way to paint your cause and immediately dismiss other concerns with moral superiority and high-handedness.
However, if you truly care about the good of the children, you would instead advocate for moving children from orphanages into loving families, as quickly as possible. The fact that these children are in orphanages cannot be changed, but they do not have to spend the rest of their lives without a family to live up to someone’s idea of “ethics.” Unfortunately, it has become clear that you believe that the only guarantee of an ethical adoption is a nonexistent adoption.
Audrey & Tracy, thanks for your posts. I have similar thoughts as someone who is on her agency’s waiting list at Number Umpteen for a boy from Vietnam. On the one hand, some folks (perhaps old school) have told my husband and me how wonderful it is to be offering some poor Vietnamese orphan the chance of a better life in the US…..well, we don’t feel that we’re saints. On the other hand, however, nor do we feel like we’re sinners, which is what some folks (new schol, if you will) seem to be trying to pin on prospective adoptive parents. Would it be great if Vietnam and other third world countries had terrific infrastructure; computerized (and retrievable) recordkeeping; honest, attentive government officials who had only altruistic motives at heart in all that they did; and birthmothers who felt free and comfortable enough to swear up and down to different govenrment officials that this was their free choice? Yes, it would be wonderful. Hell, it would be wonderful if all first-world countries had that too, come to think of it(!) But I’m not going to feel guilty or like I’m part of some giant corrupt global machine merely because: (1) I want a child; (2) I expect attentiveness and feedback from the two governments involved; (3) I consider myself a client (of my agency, of my government) and expect decent client service, including streamlining of procedures and easing of processes where appropriate; (4) I do not believe that good client service equals corruption or shutting my eyes to some rel, but limited-instance abuses; (5) I’m satisfied with my government’s level of due diligence and don’t feel the need to hold them up to some impossible standard of 100% knowledge and assurance about my (future) child’s origins and exact circumstances of winding up at an orphanage; and (6) I will do my best to provide my child with as much information as I can about his background, circumstances and personal history, but I’m not going to beat myself, my government or my agency up if I can’t give as much as some on here would hope for. It is my firm belief that a child who already has been relinquished at an orphanage or hospital is going to be better off going home to a family that wants him and can care for him, than, to try to fulfill someone’s fantasy of reuniting Vietnamese orphans with the parent(s) who, for whatever reason, made the impossibly difficult decision not to raise their child, and who probably wouldn’t welcome a US or VN official tracking them down to ask “are you sure?” Some on here may call that selfish or evil or too trusting or whatever. I prefer to think it’s practical, realistic AND in the best interest of a child who already has been placed in an orphanage.
I think that some people seem to be missing the point here, taking this too personally, and getting way off track of the original purpose of this post and Ethica’s ‘Operation Identity’. It is our government, the U.S. government, that is having issues with the alarming increase in abandonments, not just a few PAP’s. And it is the U.S. government that is afraid that this increase may be due to unethical practices, which is why they are increasing investigations of each adoption. And if the U.S. government thinks that there are unethical practices happening and don’t find other reasons for the rise in abandonments, then this could be a risk to the future of Vietnam adoptions. That’s why Ethica is undertaking ‘Operation Identity’. To try to determine all the reasons why the increase in abondonments may be happening (and hopefully find out that it isn’t due to unethical practices) and to try and reverse the trend so adoptions will continue, as well as making sure as many children as possible will be able to have some information about their background (Everyone know that unfortunately this isn’t the case with all the children). Did you people even ready the links to Ethica’s statements??? I believe Ethica and everyone writing here wants adoptions to continue. I am a PAP at the end of my agency’s list and have a long wait, but I certainly don’t believe people who already have their children are trying to assuage their guilt or want adoptions to stop. And to suggest that they do is really very insulting and abusive!
I can’t speak for all of “we people,” but yes, I read the links.
It’s the holier/more ethical-than-thou sentiment infusing some posts (and not just in this thread, but others), that is annoying and not helpful to prospective parents seeking information about what’s going on with Vietnam.
I’ve been reading this blog for a few months had haven’t got the impression of a “holier/more ethical-than-thou sentiment”. Anyways, this blog is titled “Voices for Vietnam Adoption Integrity” and it’s purpose is to advocate for ethics in adoption, so I don’t understand why people get upset when people who write for and comment on this blog actually do advocate for ethics in Vietnam adoption.
Jumping back into the conversation, somewhat reluctantly because I think my post should speak for itself. But I feel the need to make a couple of points:
1. I am not “holier than thou” – I am speaking from personal experience. I have many regrets about the process that we adopted our daughter through, but since I can not go back and fix it, I am doing what I can to speak out to prevent the mistakes of the past from being repeated. And when it came time for our 2nd adoption we decided that we would only accept a referral of a child who had birth history information – it was that important to us. And we have very extensive records for our son and even a copy of a photo of his birthmom. It’s certainly far from an “open” adoption, but much much better than what we have for our daughter.
2. Those who say if the babies were not adopted they would be in orphanages forever are not facing reality. The truth is there are many more waiting parents (in the US and Europe) than there are tiny adoptable babies. In addition, if the US Embassy is correct in their statements, then some of these babies do NOT need new families – they have families but were coerced/bought/stolen from them in order to meet the demand. The Ethica project is designed to address that concern. They are NOT trying to shut down adoptions, they are trying to prevent a shutdown – as are we, here at VVAI.
Your post really did speak for itself. I’ve been sifting through here trying to figure out some of the . . . um . . . disagreement? I don’t get it. All of these different thoughts/feelings/opinions don’t have to be mutually exclusive, you know?
Christina,
I know that VVAI and Ethica’s goal is not to shut down adoptions, when I said if adoption stopped it was rhetorical, saying even if they did stop (as they did in the past) then those children would not have parents to come back for them. And there are children currently in at least 2 provinces that have been shut down (any potential adoptions “stopped” if you will at least for now) that will not have birthparents coming back for them. That is what I meant by my “stopped” statement.
The original post stated “According to Ethica there are three concrete things every P/AP can do:
-Request all identifying information about your child who was placed from the agency.
It does include AP, not just PAPs or those working with an agency at this time.
My goal (even though I am sure you doubt this most times I post) is not to argue with you or anyone else. It’s only to point out the flaws (as I see them) in some of the logic. It seems in many ways we are throwing the baby out with the bath water when we talk about ethics. I agree with more transparency and strict standards set. But I think we also need to realize there are already children in the system that still need homes. It is one thing if it can be shown they were bought/stolen etc, but since I just read an article in the NY Times that stated 5 of the most recent 13 NOIDs have been overturned I don’t think there is solid proof in many of the cases that have been identified and I feel sorry for that child and all the rest in closed provinces that are getting caught up in this battle between the two governments.
Tracy
As someone who is passionately attached to international adoption, and for whom it is my path to motherhood (I am awaiting a referral of my first child from Ethiopia), I cannot understand why others in my shoes would not welcome learning from those who have gone down this road before. Yes, it’s easier to attack a system once you have reaped its rewards; but I’ve never read anything posted by Christina or Nikki or others that seemed the least bit small in spirit. Rather, I think it is a labour of love to try to honor international adoption by ensuring that it is as clean as possible.
I am different from Christina: I really would like an open adoption, but for reasons not important here, intercountry, rather than domestic, adoption fit so closely with my life and was unquestionably the better choice for me. The loss of my child’s history was one of the big drawbacks for intercountry adoption. However, as with almost everybody, I just accepted that this is the price to pay.
But why the “lump it or leave it” approach of some of my fellow PAPs? Why the line of thinking that moves from “if you don’t like it, don’t adopt from there; if you do it, don’t complain; if you complain, you’re only hurting your kid?” What is wrong with reforming the system? What is wrong with raising the bar?
In the most narrow sense, approaches like Operation Identity are essential if, in fact, they can help fight adoption fraud. I have had my blinders ripped off when I have learned just how much fraud there is in intercountry adoption, and it grieved me enormously to find that my blissful path was dark and complicated. But that’s no reason to turn my eyes from the dark side, or simply declare ethics nothing but a guilt trip — it’s a reason to find solutions. What possible objection could there be to practical solutions like this? Adoption fraud isn’t simply a cost of doing business that we have to accept, a sad but inevitable fact: it’s very much a market force that we, as market players, can influence.
More generally, I am very happy to be part of any movement that allows international adoption to “grow up” and become more transparent and open. It will never be an open system like is developing here, for various reasons. But it could be a whole lot better. And every little bit helps, so I am very grateful for all those of you here who make these concrete, small suggestions on steps we can take to make it better, and ways to avoid the troubles of the past. I don’t feel saddled with guilt. I don’t feel like anybody is blaming me. To me, this is exactly the kind of support I want on my adoption journey!
Correction: when I said “I am different from Christina,” I meant from the way she very eloquently described her thoughts at the beginning of the adoption process. Don’t want to put words in her mouth–just pointing out how I got to the same place from a different starting point.
Christina,
I agree there probalby are abuses in the system that need to be fixed, but the children WE have adopted (and those that will be adopted out) would have lived in orphanages had they not been adopted. It’s not like stopping adoptions will bring these children back to their birthfamilies, if that were true then there would not be orphanages full of older children from when the country was shut down in the past. I agree, if those things are happening let’s stop it now. Lets not let another child be brought into this system unless their parents can not care for them for whatever reason. But what about all of the children that are there now? Their birthfamilies are not going to just magically reappear and claim them. They need homes, and for those of us that have already adopted -our children were already in the system and did not have parents.
I agree with the Ethica project as far as explaining the differences in numbers and trying to prevent further fraud. But I do not think it will help for AP to now contact their agencies and try to get information that just is not there. And any family that is truly interested in that can do as Audrey suggested and do a birthparent search. Many of us believe our children were legitimately abandonded by their birthparents and don’t think there was any wrongdoing involved. And if I am wrong (although I doubt we would ever know) that is something I will have to deal with privately with my husband and child.
Tracy
Tracy, who said anything about stopping adoptions?? Certainly not VVAI or Ethica, and the Embassy says it is doing its best to renegotiate the Agreement so adoptions can continue. The only thing we want is to protect children (and adoptive families)from fraudulant or corrupt behavior – I for one would love to see adoptions continue, providing they are done in a manner that truly serves the best interests of the children.
It is my understanding that the Operation Identity initiative is directed at those currently working with an agency… asking those who have referrals to try to get all the identifying info they can, and those who are still waiting to ask their agencies to make this a priority. Those who have adopted in the past clearly have to decide on their own what efforts they might make to investigate their children’s histories. I actually have very mixed feelings about hiring an investigator but that’s another topic for another day.
Sara, I assume that you didn’t mean to apply that those of us who disagree with some of the ideas posted on Ethica are not interested in advocating for ethics? I’m all for ethical adoptions, BUT I do not agree with the very narrow and rigid view of what is “ethical” that some people here seem to have. Nor do I feel that the accusatory and (as someone else said) “holier than thou” attitude of some people is going to make the adoption process more “ethical” or do much to ensure the well-being of the babies currently in the orphanages. Accusing the Vietnamese authorities of corruption would seem to me to be a less-than-useful way of encouraging the renewal of the agreement and, without the renewal of the agreement, as Alicia pointed out, the children in the orphanages are not going to just disappear or be magically reunited with their birth families — they are going to grow to adulthood without families.
I am enjoying and learning from the back-and-forth exchange of information and views but I just want to reiterate that while a difference in opinion is encouraged, insulting those who comment or post blog entries or run this site is not allowed. If you have a comment about how this site is managed, you can feel free to email us at webmaster@adoptionintegrity.com and if you feel like your own voice is not properly represented, check out our Speak Up! page for the various ways you can contribute here at VVAI. If you simply do not like our take on adoption ethics and reform, you do not need to read this blog. But comments about your opinion of other participants and their attitudes or agendas have no place in the comments section of any post on this site. Thank you!
Audrey, I didn not mean to imply that people who have different opinions on this site do not advocate for ethics in adoption. I’m sorry if it came of that way. I’ll be more careful in the wording of my comments in the future.
I have seen the comment before about assuaging guilt after returning home. It is an argument that many people feel free to throw out when they feel frustrated by the changes in the system or believe that those who have children have betrayed them. My stance is not one of betrayal. My stance comes from having had the experience and having to live with the consequences of unclear practices at an unclear time. Unfortunately, some people might not want to believe that there are issues eventhough someone stated that PAPs are just wanting information. To fall into calling people with an opinion “holier-than-thou” misses a huge opportunity to dialogue from either perspective. I have learned from those who think the rise in abandonments might have another cause besides corruption. While I don’t agree 110 percent with the POV, I can see that there might be merit. I have also become stronger in my POV that transparency, agency ethical standards, and projects like the one described in this post are crucial to a healthful adoption climate.
I am left with a couple of rhetorical questions. Why would anyone who has adopted want to make it so that others can not complete an adoption? Do all those who adopted want to have a closed VN? How does it benefit me or anyone else to make it so I can’t adopt a VN sibling for my child?
It is disingenuous to think that APs would want to derail anyone. I know the frustrations. I have done it more than once and maybe will again. However, APs who have lived through the situation and been able to reflect up on their adoptions are giving all of us the benefit of their perspective. Why the anger? Are we not on the same side?
Many of us will never met each other so to think we have a window on each other’s soul or knowledge as to credibility feels like scare politics and doesn’t further the dialogue.
We may never have history. We may never be able to find a birth parent. We can not take away pain or sadness. Our kids may or may not want to know about the ethics. I don’t think it is bemoaning so much as it is trying to parent the best we can knowing that our resources may be limited. We need to give each other credit for reflecting on what is a difficult conversation to have with a child or adult adoptee. To take something like adoption and simplify it into life pain is not universal. Many kids and adults are resilient. And…… we can make our practices better by learning, changing, and standing against erasing identities, unethical practices, holding with at any cost perspectives. There but for the grace of Gods/Goddesses go each of us.
I appreciate the POV that Christina has put forth. Food for thought. I am grateful to Tracy for asking some hard questions. More sustenance. I don’t get anything from comments that are all about “do you want to give your child back?” I want to be fed and make change instead.
Tracy, where I get a little lost in following your agenda for adoption reform is when you say “But I think we also need to realize there are already children in the system that still need homes.” That’s certainly true — but it will ALWAYS be true. So at what point do you start scrutinizing things more closely? At what point do we up the standards? I feel for individual families caught mid-process, I really do. I think consistent, “preventive” reform is a far better way to clean up adoptions than the blunt instrument of a NOID.
But at the same time, I honestly don’t think anybody who has followed Vietnamese adoptions — or intercountry adoptions — closely for years can fail to see that there are a lot of shady practices that have gone unredressed. Just who do we think has the resources and incentive to get “solid proof” of them? I know that rumors aren’t helpful, and you need to give individual stories the weight they deserve. But patterns develop, and if you have enough data points, you see they are far from isolated dots. This is what happened in Cambodia — after the fact, it all seemed so clear what was going on; but during the most intense period (which is when I first joined a Cambodia list), there were many, many parents who honestly wanted to believe that those little babies kept appearing at that same crossroads, found by that same village chief, again and again….
It’s definitely good to be skeptical, but I guess what I’d like to know is what the next step in gaining transparency in Vietnam adoptions should be?
Nat, thank you for your very thoughtful posts.
Tracy, while I share your concern for the children who are “already in orphanages,” just imagine for a second that some of them (in the worst case scenario) landed in the orphange because of some baby-stealing scenario. To say they should be adopted so they don’t have to live in an orphanage for their whole lives seems obvious, yet by adopting them we feed the demand for even more babies to be stolen. I, for one, who is still in process so not on any guilt trip, would rather not adopt a child than adopt a child who was likely or possibly stolen from his/her birthmother. I’ve mentioned this before, but as a birthmother who placed a child for adoption, I am particularly sensitive to this. I support Ethica’s project 100 percent and am somewhat astounded that anyone would not.
Heidi,
As someone who is perhaps a little more skeptical than others about the goal, much less the means, of ensuring that all adoptions are 100% ethical with all in-country T’s crossed and I’s dotted, I note that part of the problem IMO is reflected in your comment that you’d rather not adopt at all than adopt a child who was “likely or possibly stolen from his/her birthmother.” Well, of course, none of us wants to adopt a child who was known to be stolen. But where I part company, I suppose, from some others, is that I don’t presume that the childen in VN are “possibly,” much less “likely,” from such circumstances. I can see that, if one assumes it is “likely,” or within a large degree of “possibility,” then that drives what I view as an impossible demand: ensuring that every child, without question, was 100% certainly, absolutely, no-room-for-any-even-remotest-of-remote-possibilities, placed voluntarily. I just don’t see how the VN and US governments can achieve that kind of absolute certainty given the circumstances, infrastructure and realities of pregnant single women in VN. Heck, in the US, I am sure that, as an example, some women who make adoption plans for their children say that the father is “unknown” or “uncertain” even if she knows perfectly well who it is, in order to avoid having to have contact with him, or because he might object to the adoption, or because it was a result of rape/incest and she doesn’t want to go down the path of being a complainant in a criminal case. But do US adoption agencies or courts finalizing the adoption have to guarantee 100% that he really is unknown? I doubt it. My point is: some people seem to be approaching the question with the presumption that the VN adoptions are fishy/unethical/tainted. I approach it from the opposite: I presume that the vast majority are legit/ethical/proper. Hence I’m willing to allow some percentage of uncertainty becasue I don’t think that 100% certainty is possible.
Like most things, this is an involved issue and the more you get into it the more you see the different ramifications of different actions. There are no easy answers. No black and white, just a lot of gray. I am glad someone is trying to get to the bottom of it because I know it is beyond me.
How we view things, our values, with our backgrounds and the way we are raised, I think it is impossible to know what people in the third world are all about besides our basic humanness. Our children will be raised like us in this. Our children’s identities will be forged by the way we raise them and with our values. Whether they chose to go our way or take their own path will be up to them, but they can’t chose to be third world people anymore because they are not. Our parents had a vision for us when we were young, but we found our own way which was probably different then the one our parents imagined. I am almost 100 percent Irish but I would never think of that as my identity. It is just a neat thing for me to be mildly intersted in.
Our identities, aren’t we what we make ourselves to be? Don’t we want to raise people who make their own way in the world? I would hate to feel like I was superior because of an accident of birth. It is rather un-American to feel any man is better then another because of birth. Can’t we give our children some credit for having good sense and a good attitude? Why do we feel we must guide them in their view of being adopted? We are not adopted, they are; and we should not tell them how they feel or what their identity is. I am not going to make up a fairy birthmother character for my daughter to grieve over. I don’t feel a bit guilty that I have my child and she is alive and well with me. She certainly was very much at risk when I got her and she will never fall through the cracks again.
Yes, we have created a market particularly for healthy babies; but if that market were not there, further down the road there is a market in the sex trade for little girls and boys. If a parent is compelled in some way, through poverty, etc. to sell, profit, or give up their child, I would rather it be for adoption with a loving family ready, willing, and able to protect and care for the child.
I am reading and trying to learn what in the world would compel people to be against such a project as Operation Identity and I’m really trying to hear what everyone is saying but I’m still coming up confused. I think there is a tendency to make this about things it is not.
This is not about shutting down the VN program.
This is not about forcing open adoptions.
This is not about fulfilling some holier-than-thou guilt trip on the part of the supporters of Operation Identity.
This is not about forcing our adopted children to retain their Vietnamese identities.
The way I understand the project, it is primarily about furthering transparency in adoption in order to cut out as much unethical, corrupt or illegal activity as possible. It is about giving our children their true histories when at all possible so they can do with those histories what *they* wish. It is about assuring to the furthest degree possible that our adoptions are grounded in sound, ethical practices that keep at the forefront the best interests of the child.
Whether you believe most abandonments are legitimate or not, what is the harm in investigating to ASSURE that abandonments are legitimate? Whether you believe there are legitimate reasons for an increase in abandonments, what is the harm in compelling our agencies to share statistics on this issue so we can compare them to evaluate what true trends exist and to delve deeper to make SURE those trends are not influenced by greed or corruption? Whether you believe our children are forever Vietnamese by virtue of their birthright or forever American by virtue of their adoption what is the harm in restoring their histories so their identity is THEIR identity to do with as they wish?
Thank you! This is what I’ve been thinking as I’ve been scrolling through all these comments. Well, some of what I’ve been thinking.
Just because US PAPs can’t adopt from Pho Thu doesn’t mean those children will languish in orphanages. Many of those children are being adopted right now by the French and other countries that have agreements with Vietnam. Some children in orphanages also get adopted domestically in Vietnam.
This is just my opinion, but it seems to me like the resistance to Operation Identity is based in fear. Fear on the part of many PAPs that any more negative news about adoptions coming out of Vietnam will, on one side or another, shut the program down. While my family waits, not so patiently, for a referral, I know I have that fear.
I have to make myself take a step back and think about the long-term. Someday I will have to answer my son’s or daughter’s questions about his/her birthfamily, and how he/she came to be a part of our family. I want to be able to give him/her as much information as possible, to do with what he/she will.
As much as I want a child now, and feel like putting my hands over my ears in order to not hear about the corruption in Vietnam adoptions, I just can’t. I feel like we have to be vigilant and wide-eyed now so we can live with our choices (and our children’s questions) later.
First, let me say that I am all for Operation Identity. I hope that when all is said and done we get answers to the questions as to why abandonment cases have become so prevalent. I will also admit that, even if it is not likely, I am hopeful that we find that it is due to social reasons or any reason other than a huge increase in baby trafficking. Maybe that is a naive hope, but still I hope and pray for that to be true.
However, my main reason for speaking up is in response to some comments made here. Yes, it is true that some adult adoptees feel they would have been better off in their birth countries. Some are very angry at what has happened to them. Ignoring them and assuming this will never be MY child is a mistake. However, it is an equal mistake to assume this will be our children. There are plenty adult adoptees, although they are not usually the ones with blogs they are out there, who are not angry and feel very content with their lives. adoption and all. They may have less to say because people who are not angry usually do not feel the need to speak out. I feel we need to be careful when we are making judgments on what our adult children will one day think. We simply do not know. So, we need to be prepared to deal with a child who feels a great loss, but we should also be careful not to make it so by telling them that they will or do feel this way. I am not saying anyone has done this. I am not directing this at anyone I am just bringing it up as something to think about.
Lastly, I want to remind all of us that abandonments happen here in our country too. I do not think that any country anywhere will ever be completely free of people who drop the baby somewhere safe and run. Not that long ago we created laws about where you could leave the baby so that women would stop dumping them in garbage pails. Whether the reason is shame, embarrassment, fear or anything else, it happens. So, while getting to the bottom of why the numbers are increasing we need to remember that a goal of doing away completely with abandonments may be setting the bar too high. Sometimes leaving a baby and not telling anyone who you are and why you are leaving them is truly the best this individual can do. It may not seem like enough but sometimes it is the best they can do. And again I am not talking about poor women in third world countries. I am talking about women right here in our own country.
Well, those are my thoughts on all this. I truly hope that someone gets to the bottom of all of it. I would hate to see adoptions shut down.
Mary,
Thank you soooo much for that second paragraph (not that the rest of it wasn’t worth reading as well). The adult adoptees I know in person, well, I wish they had blogs.
Mary, as an adult adoptee, I thank you for your comments and echo them.
[…] end with something that actually means something. Have y’all checked out this post at VVAI, about Ethica’s Operation Identity? No? Well, you should, and read all the comments […]
I was dumbstruck when I read this post. I didn’t realise how many children were “abandoned” with little or no background to thier names. In fact I had this silly notion that I would be able to meet someone from my future son’s family while we were there. At least, it was my inital intention to request a meeting if possible.
It hadn’t even come to mind that I may be referred a child without a history of his own.
The posibility opened my eyes. I have been planning my adoption and family life in my head for a child with a history of his own… but wht if he doesn’t have a history. What if his past was erased under the subtitle “abandoned”. Even for me it feels like a gaping hole I can’t imagine how he will feel once an adult.
I understand (to some means) how you felt not wanting to know more in the past. My husband has the same sentiment though he supports my decision to know more but has requested to be kept in the dark if possible.
I guess as a mother I couldn’t imagine having to give up my daughter. I just want to make sure that everyone involved, including the birth family, are making the right decision for the child together. Also, I wanted to be able to tell my son that I met someone related to him. Able to say “Oh you look just like so&so!” and able to say honestly that I had a vague idea where to look when he would want to meet his birthfamily.
The idea of not having any information at all scares me a little. I don’t know yet where I would turn for answers when he poses those difficult questions. But now, I have something to think about and to prepare for. Though I would always prefer a child with some history of his own.
Jessica,
You could ask your agency if they would allow you to request a relinquished referral. We did and waited MANY more months for a referral (since far fewer children are processed as relinquished), but it was very important to us to know our child’s history. We have yet to travel. When we adopted our first child pre-shutdown, there was more than a 50% chance to know/meet the first family — which we also did.
OK, so I went through all these comments and have a few of my own, based on my experience adopting two children internationally – Joe, 23, from Colombia; and Maya, 9, from Cambodia.
Before I start, let me state that I believe with all my heart that all adoption – domestic or international – should be conducted in an ethical manner. We should protect the rights of everyone – birth parents, children, and adoptive parents.
Absolutely every child should be raised in an intact family of origin. Unfortunately lots of children don’t have that option, including many born here in the US. My eldest, a now-30-YO daughter born to me, didn’t have it either – her father and I divorced when she was 10.
Having said that, I do respectfully have a different point of view than many here.
First of all, favorably comparing what is now being attempted in VN with what happened in Cambodia should make anyone truly interested in the welfare of children shudder. The new oversight in Cambodia was so effective that it shut down ALL adoptions from that country. So all the infants and children in orphanages – for whatever reason – have NO chance of being adopted.
Secondly, these are third world countries! Americans continually try to impose our value system on other nations, societies and religions. We cannot expect their governments to have the oversight that ours does. We do not understand how extraordinarily wealthy we are. We have resources to expend on oversight that many poor nations do not.
Nor can we expect the birth parents to necessarily mourn the loss of their children the way we would. My son was reliquinshed by his birth parents – he was child #8, and sickly. His mother was pregnant with child #9 because she would not use birth control as it was against the dictates of the Church. The State took him and tried to find extended family members to take him. No one wanted him. And him knowing this would help him HOW? My daughter was abandoned merely because she was born with six fingers on each hand and six toes on one foot. It was believed that she was inhabited by evil spirits. There was only one nanny at the orphanage who would even care for her. This is useful information for a child?
The assumption here is that the abandonments and/or reliquishments were done out of love. That is an enormous assumption that frequently only increases the heartache of the adoptee. Many adult adoptees have searched far and wide for their birth parents only to be rejected once again by those parents.
While this is considered heretical, I am not at all convinced that emphasizing the child’s country of origin is necessarily beneficial. Both of my children have always known they were adopted, and where they came from. It’s pretty obvious anyway since they both have black hair, dark eyes and dark skin, and I’m about as blond as you can get. However, their hometown is a small town in central Maine, not Bogota or Phnom Penh. I am their REAL mother. I am very conscious of the hole that is deep within each of them – everything is different, including the very air they breathe. But for both of them the fact that they were born someplace else is just part of the background of their lives, like the fact that their grandfather is blind or they have an older sister who is not adopted and half Italian-American. My son has never asked for more information about his country of birth. Maya is curious about Cambodia, but in the same way she’s curious about rainbows and the human body.
I am extremely grateful to the women who bore my children – without them I would not have the gift of my truly amazing son and daughter. But the fact is that Joe and Maya are now AMERICANS – not Colombian or Cambodian. I WILL NOT feel guilty for giving them a far better life than they otherwise would have had.
Feeling guilty about that which we cannot change doesn’t help us or our children.
OK, I’ll get off my soapbox now!
“you were not born of my body, but you were born of my heart”
For those interesting in the thoughts and experiences of an adult adoptee specifically on the topic of Operation Identity, I refer you to this excellent blog post:
http://ethnicallyincorrect.wordpress.com/2008/02/10/operation-identity/
I stopped reading all the comments after about 20 or so.
I can probably give birth to a child. My doctor thinks so. Instead, my husband and I opted to build a family based on a simple desire love and embrace a child that might needs us who is already on this planet. It wasn’t a requirement that our biology be involved. After studying my own “family of origin” genetic shortcomings in therapy for a while now, I get on a very deep level how comforting growing up with my bio. parents was for me. LUCKILY . . . . my grandmother raised me for the first several years of my life. Silly me! I always thought myself blessed that she wanted me, but don’t go by me . . . . I’m weird that way! I expect others who did not grow up in their biological parents’ homes might feel quite differently and as independent, free-thinking people, they are entitled. Oh . . . we have listened patiently as our friends/family have regaled us with comments about how wonderful we were for “saving” a child needing a home. We politely and respectfully assured them that we feel it the other way around. We do not require or feel it appropriate to be “honored” with those comments. The thought of a little person joining our lives and us building a future together was more than we feel we deserve and are grateful for the opportunity to share our love and life.
Shortly after beginning our journey to adoption, I kept running into people that would have me believe we were beyond selfish b/c we wanted to adopt to build our family. As if we were self-absorbed baby thieves ripping an innocent from the breast of his/her mother and from the country that would sustain them. How dare we open our hearts and world to drag this child from its roots and force ourselves on him/her as loving parents.
I must say my gaping mouth hasn’t closed yet. I have a few friends that were adopted. Before adoption ever became a possibility for us, we all have had several conversations about their experiences. NOT ONE has EVER talked about their anger at their adoptive parents about their identity or history being taken. I have listened on several occasions while they share their hurt, some past . . . others current, about being “given up”. However, without exception, all of them were happy that they knew their adoptive parents loved them regardless of whether or not they knew anything about their origin. I don’t think my friends are the exception in how they see things or how they feel. But then again . . . . you can’t go by me . . .. I was thoughtless enough to think adopting a child would be a beautiful expression of the love we have to offer and are willing to give in abundance to a precious child that needs it.
Having said that, after months of reading and/or experencing “facts”, assumptions, opinions, news releases, blogs from adoptees, blogs from parents who have their adopted children home, government office emails passing the buck, witch hunts and babbling BS from 100 different directions, I have come to the conclusion that since there is no way to adopt a child and feel good about it, that perhaps I should reconsider and be childless, lest I offend anyone or have my child blogging about how badly we suck because we didn’t do enough to find their birthparents and support them in keeping them.
God Bless the estimated 100-200 million orphans in the world. I hope someone can help them find the people who gave birth to them or are their extended biological families and reunite them. That seems to be the only way to make some people content. I have kept quiet about my feelings about the issues in VN for quite some time and I truly wish this comment was not so emotionally charged, but alas I am human and I think I have had enough fighting in order to make a home for a child.
Excuse me . . . I need to go give very serious thought to tearing down the crib my husband just put together last week.
P.S. My parents did not make an adoption plan for me. After tallying up my therapy bill, perhaps they should have. I would have loved to have a woman like me for a mother.
P.S.S. None of what I have written here should be misconstrued as a support of unethical adoptions. Nothing could be further from the truth. I just don’t buy that the delays that several entities have tried to shove down our throats are due to an attempt to “protect the children”. The children in countries that are more developed and have an economic relationship with the US don’t seem to “require” the same scrutiny. Surely, we do not believe that there is no corruption there, do we?
I have been a silent observer of this website and others since we began our adoption a year ago, but I feel the time has come to have a voice. I have read many blogs and am now familiar with the many opinions that are floating around out there and I have to say I am pretty disappointed with the lack of respect and the amount of hypocricy I have seen. There seems to be an assumption that those who have adopted already are elevated to a position of expertise and knowledge that I’m not sure they deserve. I appreciate their opinions but I will not accept their word as authority. I find it hard to believe the authenticity of what they have to say when I read their blogs and see that even after all they believe to be wrong in the adoption community, some have adopted again. If there is so much unethical behavior going on, then why do it again? And if you are afraid your child’s adoption was marred by corruption, then why haven’t you done everything in your power to find their family of origin and return them? And if you are afraid they will never know their “true” identity, then why not move to their country of origin?
I understand there will be issues that we face as we raise our children. My oldest daughter faces issues every day as she deals with normal adolescence and as she deals with the grief of losing her little sister. We deal with these issues the best way we know how and I’m sure we make mistakes along the way, but my daughter’s identity is not in a country or in her DNA. Her identity comes from her life experiences, her core beliefs, and the affirmation she receives from those who love her. She has had some very hard times in her thirteen years but it is not the hard times that define her. She is defined by how she overcomes them. I expect it to be the same with our adopted child.
While I appreciate the advice and opinions of those who have traveled this road ahead of me, I cannot accept them for anything more than that. I will continue to read and educate myself and I will, as always, do what I believe to be right. Thank you for sharing your insights with us. They have certainly given me much to think about.
[…] talks about racial identity and preparing our children at her blog and over at VVAI there was an intense discussion about Ethica’s Operation […]