If it’s true, as a few commenters suggested in Nicki’s last post, that in fact many agencies do not seek transparency and the corrupt ones do not have any incentive to work ethically, what can be done? Who can hold agencies, facilitators and attorneys accountable? Personally, I rather liked Nicki’s rallying cry for all P/AP’s to stand up and refuse to be intimidated. But is it really that easy?
First of all, I don’t think all P/AP’s can be lumped into one group. I think there are actually three distinct phases of adoption and people think and react differently at each of these phases.
Phase I: Pre-Referral.
This covers all the time between choosing an agency to when a PAP actually receives a referral. During this time, the average PAP is anxious, eager to please everyone who has any control over their adoption (social worker, agency people, etc.), and frustrated with delays or waits of any kind. Most people give careful thought and consideration to their agency choice. They may choose an agency based on a friend’s recommendation, or the location of the agency, or its overall reputation. A small percentage of PAP’s spend a great deal of time researching agencies and may call a number of agencies to ask probing questions. Most don’t however, in part because they don’t know what to ask, and in part because of a feeling that the agency has to accept and choose them, instead of the other way around.
Phase II: Referral to Travel
This time span can be anywhere from a few weeks to more than a year, depending on the agency and circumstances such as the child’s paperwork and what province the child is from. This is probably the most difficult phase of any adoption. In most cases, once a PAP has received a referral (which in most cases includes a photograph), they feel like a parent, having already committed emotionally to the child. And like most parents, PAPs will do practically anything for their child. They hang on every word from their agency and put their lives on hold, ready to buy plane tickets at a moment’s notice. The thought of not bringing the child home is absolutely unacceptable. If a circumstance comes up that endangers the adoption in any way, be it health issues or paperwork difficulties, or negative comments about their agency on a chat list, the average PAP turns into a mama bear ready to protect her cub at any cost.
Phase III: After The Adoption
Once the child is officially adopted and home with his/her family, most Adoptive Parents want to put the adoption behind them and focus on the future. Bonding, attachment, and the life adjustments that go along with adding a child to the family can be overwhelming and there is a deep desire to feel like a “normal” family. Situations that may have seemed problematic during the wait, or issues that arose while in Vietnam are put aside. Much as a mother forgets her labor after her child is born, many adoptive parents discount whatever difficulties they experienced during the adoption process.
Out of these three categories, which P/AP wields the most power? Unfortunately, I believe it is those in the first phase. I say “unfortunately” because this is also the group with the least amount of knowledge or experience, and thus the least prepared to recognize unethical behavior or their important role in stopping it. And these are the PAPs who often unwittingly encourage unethical and fraudulant agency behaviors by pushing for fast referrals of very young babies and shorter overall timelines. But these are also the PAPs who can ask agencies the hard questions and research all the staff and “consultants” the agency works with. In the time before a referral, PAP’s can walk away from an agency with a minimum of finances or time lost. This fact alone gives Phase I PAP’s a great deal of power, and as a result agencies are often extremely helpful and attentive during this time. PAP’s would be wise not to be swayed by friendliness or a sense of loyalty – remain vigilant, no matter how much you may like your agency personnel.
Those in Phase II have more knowledge and experience, but they have the most to lose, emotionally and often financially. Once a PAP has a referral, it becomes unthinkable to leave their agency or even to ask difficult questions, for fear of angering their agency which could result in the loss of the referral. For that reason, it is extremely rare for a PAP to be willing to take a stand and walk away from an agency for ethical reasons after the referral. This is understandable, but regrettable. If at all possible, it is better to see a referral as a sort of “foster” child — they are in your care (figuratively) and it is possible they will one day be permanent family members, but it is not yet legal or final. In this way, PAP’s may be able to give themselves the emotional distance necessary to make good, objective decisions rather than being overly influenced by emotion.
Common sense would suggest that Phase III adoptive parents would have nothing to lose from speaking up. But as Nicki explained, lawsuits make a great deterrant for speaking up. Even the threat of a lawsuit, however unfounded, can persuade most adoptive parents to drop the matter. In addition, there is an interesting phenomenon among many agency “families” – a sort of “group think”; a passionate loyalty that goes beyond that of the average satisfied client to the point of adamently denying any charges or personal experiences other AP’s may relate of unethical or worrisome actions by their agency. Any adoptive parent who dares to speak up suddenly finds themselves attacked or ostricized by the very people who were their fellow sojourners in their adoption journey. They may question themselves, or pull back to keep from being hurt further. A third, and perhaps most significant, motivation for discounting any ethical concerns is how it would reflect on their child. No one wants to think that their child came to them unethically, or even worse that some type of serious fraud was involved. It is easier to deny any concerns than to entertain the thought that their child came to them through illegitmate means. Few Adoptive Parents are willing to risk a lawsuit, or look at the cold hard facts of their child’s adoption. But those who are willing to stand up become a beacon for the PAPs who come after them, warning future adopters about certain agencies, pointing out red flags that they wish they had seen in time.
I have to admit, when I step back and look at the reality of the P/AP picture, I am disheartened. Who can blame P/APs for not speaking up? Adoption is a huge, stressful undertaking and most people don’t have the training, experience, or funds to take on a powerful agency. There needs to be more accountability.
There are consumer advocacy organizations such as the Better Business Bureau and Guidestar but the power they wield over agencies is minimal at best. There are also state licensing boards – who in theory hold a great deal of power (they can, after all, revoke an agency’s license) but in reality seem to do very little oversight of agencies.
Our best hopes would seem to be with Vietnam’s Ministry of Justice who is responsible for licensing agencies to work in Vietnam and can revoke a license if an agency is found to be in violation of their laws or regulations; or with the US State Department (or more specifically, the Embassy) who can investigate any American adoption that seems suspect and deny a visa in the case of serious fraud or ethics violations. I believe both of these Governmental Agencies are working hard to create an environment for ethical adoptions. It is clearly an ongoing process that is continually being refined. But these agencies are only as good as the information they can gather.
Which, leads us right back to the P/AP’s. In the end, if we hope to see an ethical, transparent process in Vietnam, we need to answer Nicki’s rallying cry and stand together. We have to be willing to wait longer, to lose some money, or even to sacrifice a referral or speak out when it may hurt our own families for the sake of the children of Vietnam. Yes, agencies are powerful. But their power ultimately comes from us. If we refuse to work with unethical agencies, they will cease to exist. I know this sounds idealistic, but it is reality. The future of Vietnam adoptions is as bleak or as hopeful as we allow it to be. We have to take the power back from the agencies and take responsibility for our role in creating transparent, ethical adoptions in Vietnam.
5 Responses
Perfect summary of the stages and the power available to every parent. I wish I had read something like this while I was in stage 1!!
Christina, both this post and Nicki’s last post have been great and very to the point. What I’ve been pondering a lot recently is how to get this type of information out to those people in phase 1. I am not so concerned about those PAP’s who are willing to do their research, or even those who may not know all the issues, but are aware of the research options available to them. (The willfully ignorant probably fall into the second category, but I’m pessimistic about changing anyone’s mind there.) But what about the PAP’s who are completely clueless? I’ve become aware of several people who are in varying stages of the process who are shocked that not all agencies are trustworthy…they just never contemplated the idea that adoption was not all about happy feelings and happy families. Very often they are unaware of the various avenues for researching agencies as they don’t use the computer very much. And let’s face it, unless you are on the internet looking for information, the more negative stuff is never going to find you. So, how do we reach the people who don’t know to jump on the computer and do some research? I wish I had an answer…maybe someone else does.
I’ve thought much about this same thing myself! Now that my daughter is home, I am both informed and passionate about ethical adoptions – specifically in Vietnam, but also about adoptions everywhere. However, I feel powerless to do anything about it! Any ideas for how to actually influence those who do have power?
I did not adopt from Vietnam but did adopt from another third world country. Other elements come into play too. I know I asked all the right questions and did my home work. What do you do when Agencies lie, situations change, and it is a new program without a long track record?
You finally travel to pick up your child, who is living in terrible conditions. The people seem nice enough but the poverty is so great you can see a lot of the children are not going to make it. You see other people’s referrals. You know these people by now. Their children are also living in terrible conditions. Those people have not traveled yet.
You may have a lot of questions about transparency but at the moment you have a half starved sick baby and you need pass the embassy interview to get the child home. How ever this child has ended up where they are right now, the child needs you and no one else seems terribly interested in their welfare but you.
Then you get home and start questioning, and you get frantic calls and notes from all those waiting parents you have come to know and love; please please don’t say anything until I get my child home. You saw my child, you know what this means to both of us.
The foreign country looks like corruption has been a normal way of life for centuries. You wonder if this insistence on transparency, law, and fairness is yet another value you are forcing on another country that may not be interested in working that way. I can see where people say at that point “not my child”. At this point you have been jerked around by so many people, and governments, agencies, facilitators, bleed dry for every penny any one can get out of you and nothing is going to the children. I think you tend to feel there is a lot more going on here then appears, you can’t get a handle on things, and there is no black and white anymore. You don’t want to get sued, you wonder if the rather scary embassy can continue to cause you problems over any irregularity. I can see where it is much easier to just move on.
These are really great points. I saw (and experienced first hand) this exact thing when Vietnam reopened. It is really hard – even impossible maybe – to do a really good research job on a new country program, a new agency, etc. And you are absolutely right – things that seem unethical to some may be standard operating procedure in many other countries. And of course, bottom line, anything worth doing involves risk. Nothing is guaranteed, no amount of research and preparation will guarantee a perfect experience. We can only do the best we can do with the resources available, learn from what we’ve experienced and share with others so they can do better.
I agree, it is MUCH easier to just move on. But it is important that we don’t – for our children’s sake.