As a former PAP, who is now a P and AP, I am grateful to Mirah, Amyadoptee and Stella for their comments on the last post. Do I agree with all of their points of view? No, but I am still grateful. Because left to myself, I would not have the value of the perspective of the group of people to whom my son will someday belong. The adult adoptee. Do they speak for my son? That would be too simplistic a view, but they do articulate thoughts and emotions, as well as researched facts that apply to my son, and may someday be part of his framework.
I believe discussion is always valuable as a way to lead us to further understanding. To that end, I would like to share my story, and how our family came to adoption, and what we have learned so far along the way.
When we first started the adoption process, I thought we were an enigma in the adoption world. I soon found out that I was wrong. I “met” many families online who had/have similar stories to ours, for whom adoption was not a last resort.
As a young girl growing into a young woman, there was only ever one thing that I knew for sure that I wanted to be when I grew up. A mom. Sure, I had huge aspirations, in fact when I was five, with the encouragement of my mother, I decided that I would have five vocations for the five days of the week and then I would have 2 days off, doctor, teacher, ballerina…I can’t remember the other two. But the one constant was that I wanted to be a mom.
I am not exactly sure why, but as a young child, what I saw in my head when I was a mom was kids of all colors and ethnicity’s. Perhaps it was because we lived in student housing for a large seminary and there were many international families in the the housing complex where we lived. All of us children ran around and played and color was not an issue. Oh, if only that were the reality…
So as I grew up, being the caucasian woman that I am, I assumed that I would either marry a man of another ethnicity, but even with that assumption, I usually assumed that adoption would be how I would build my family. I was very idealistic and even thought my family would be like, at least ten kids of all ethnicity’s and be like our very own little United Nations. I don’t think that anymore.
Within three months of meeting my then boyfriend, I told him that I was adopting my children, and that if he was not open to it, he could move on. He did not move on and is now the father of my 3 kids.
About a month after we got married I started checking out adoption agencies. Most of them had the requirement that marriages be at least one year old at the time of application, so I waited, not too patiently. During that time my husband expressed his desire to have biological children as well as adopted children, and since we hadn’t been married long enough to adopt, we decided to try to get pregnant. It was not a matter that was necessarily well thought out, or a matter of preference, it was simply a matter of which happened first. Pregnancy came rather easily for us, twice.
When our second biological child was eight months old, we started researching agencies again. I got on list-serves like APV. I started reading blogs, both PAP blogs and adult adoptee blogs. Providentially, an adult adoptee who was adopted from Vietnam and I became close friends. At this point in the process, I still had a bit of a Messiah complex when it came to adoption, but the more I read, the more I realized how equally damaging are the “last resort” complex, the “I am saving the helpless orphan” complex as well as parent entitlement.
Even though I was still pretty green, and had no idea how huge, complex and money driven the adoption industry is, my husband and I knew enough at least to look for an agency that at least professed to have a “family for children that need them” mentality and vision statement,as opposed to a “child for a family that wants them” mentality. We also knew enough to look for an agency that had child welfare programs in the country, as well as a proven track record as a humanitarian organization over a long period of time.
We were very blessed(or lucky, depending our your perspective) to have decided to use one of the three agencies that I have come to personally believe have done their very best to remain ethical in their Vietnam programs over the past 3 years(that would be 3, out of 42 agencies).
We asked for an infant, either gender. Along the way, as I began to address my entitlement issues, I came to believe, very strongly, that choosing gender should not be allowed. This opinion is not always popular, but it is mine. I have also come to believe that asking for most qualifications(age, health) is another entitlement issue.
We recieved our referral in January of 2007, we traveled in late March 2007.
I am one of what many current PAP’s call the “lucky” ones. Not only did I get “my” child home, BUT I already had 2 biological kids home.
What I have come to realize through our journey, and I have said on my own personal blog, is that children are not a right. Never. And to see them as such only diminishes the value of human life and reduces them to the status of a commodity. Children(which in my opinion, includes embryos) are not objects to be bought and sold to the highest bidder. It is terrible to lose tens of thousands of dollars on an adoption, but as I am sure many of you PAP’s know now, we are not guaranteed anything when we hand over our money to an organization whose existense depends on money(as all adoption agencies do).
There has been so much that I have realized over the past 3 years since we began this journey. Am I lucky that I have hindsight as 20/20? It depends on your perspective. While I have many assurances that our adoption was ethical, I do not know for sure. For me, when I look at my son, I KNOW that having him in our family, while it is most definitely a blessing for us, may not be a blessing for him. It is not a blessing for his first family. And, in fact, it may be their greatest source of pain and grief. Especially if I am honest and recognize that at this point, the likelihood that his adoption was 100% ethical is small. Is having him home worth not knowing if his first mother grieves her stolen child? As his second mother, there is no way I can honestly say that it is worth it. Because I love him too much. Does it make sense to say to my someday adult son, I loved you so much, I may have participated in stealing you from your biological mother?
If I am one of the lucky Vietnam AP’s, it is at the expense of my son .
What is my point, I can’t reverse this course, I can’t “give him back.” My point is that we have an obligation to use the knowledge we have to change the course for the future. Are all adoptions from Vietnam suspect? I don’t believe so, in fact I know of several adoptions from Vietnam that in my opinion, pass the litmus test for being ethically completed. My point is that I started off this journey at one place, in one position, and am now being moved by information and experience, to another position. And it is good. Has it been difficult- absolutely. There are parts of our journey that were very difficult that I cannot share here because they are my son’s story to tell.
Do I believe that international adoption is 100% corrupt and always focused on the money? No, I do not. I believe that adoption, in its most beautiful and purest form, fills a need. Where the water gets muddy for me is, what am I doing to help create the need for adoption? Is my very participation in international adoption helping to create a market system that is thereby susceptible, and indeed, vulnerable to corruption? Is my lifestyle as a Westerner helping to create situations in other countries that do not allow families to be able to afford to raise their children? What am I doing to stop the need for adoption? I blogged about what I think we all can and need to be doing to change adoption systems worldwide a year ago on this site. Because, if indeed, adoption is all about the children, we can all agree that many, if not most of the time(excepting cases of abuse/neglect etc) it is the best thing for children to stay with their biological families. IF, indeed.
7 Responses
Thank you Jena for this post. I am grateful for your fair and level headed approach. I know that Mirah has a lot of good information and it is important to put it out there – I was just put off by her tone in her initial post. I felt incredibly accused. And I’m not sure that approach is going to be helpful for those now trying to decide where to go next. They are already in pain.
I am still in the process of my Vietnam adoption so I guess I take all of this to heart. What am I supposed to do with this information? Let go of my referral? I can tell you after 2 years of being in this process and all I have invested – I am unlikely to let go now. I guess that is selfish of me knowing some of what I know now.
When I started the process I guess I was extremely naive. Adoption was not a last resort for me – but I thought it made sense due to the fact that I wanted a child and there were children out there who needed homes (or so I thought). I did not feel the need to have a bio kid or add to the world population. I was not trying to “rescue” anyone. I just thought it was a simple equation that made sense. Little did I know….
The reason I chose international adoption was because I am single. I assumed that a birth mother would not choose a single woman and my agency told me that it would’ve been difficult. I have since found out that I likely could have gone this route if I was open to a wide range of circumstances. Had my VN adoption fallen through – my intention was to do a domestic adoption. But my VN adoption did not fall through.
Do I wish I could go back and make some different decisions? Sure. But realistically – I am not going to change things now. I don’t even really know if that would be best for my (older) referred child. I don’t know if she would find another home.
I will wonder and worry about all of this throughout my child’s life. I am grateful to have this information even though it is hard to take.
Jena and Jenny,
Like yourselves, I look back over the past two years as a sort of loss of innocence for myself. Don’t get me wrong, I researched, I wasn’t desperate (adoption was a choice for my family, though I don’t think the assumption that infertile couples looking to adopt are “desperate” is a fair one), I wasn’t looking for a fast adoption, I thought I’d read and learned enough to avoid pitfalls and unethical adoptions. The truth seems to be, in every country, in every new program, there will always be first-time adopters. I’m sure they will try, as so many of is did, to learn from the experiences of others. I think the best way to go forward now is to look to change the SYSTEM so that it protects birth/first families, children, and PAPs (from our own ignorance if nothing else). Groups like Ethica and Pear can lead the way. Instead of assigning blame, and yes there’s plenty to go around, let’s out our time and energy instead into putting in place structures that will prevent the problems that have shut Vietnam down.
I have a few points I would like to make.
1. I would like to say “thank you” to the people responsible for this blog. Over the past 2 years, this site has provided me with tons of information (some I agree with and some I do not). If nothing else, it has created healthy debates which always gets people thinking and examining their own situations. That is always a good thing. It has definetly helped me personally.
However, over the past few days, I have felt the same as Jenny from above. I have felt accused! Additionally, I felt like I have been threatened and blamed! I have felt like I have been linked to something bad when in fact, I truely feel like I have tried to do the right thing.
2. One poster in particular, Mirah, proclaims to be an expert researcher and her own words appear to make her somehow superior to everyone else. Give me a break. She can barely put together a grammatically correct sentence or thought. I hope her book publisher provided her with an editor to assist with her lack of proper writing skills. I realize this statement is rude and possibly inappropriate–but how dare she claim to be more knowledgable and to have better intentions than the rest of us, when she hasn’t even met us. She may not have directly stated these words, but the perception was definetly implied!
3. Nobody knows my intentions except for me and God. My heart is pure and I had good intentions with my choice to build my family thru adoption. It is my guess that most people chosing to build thier families thru adoption (domestically or internationally) have pure intentions as well.
I am FAR from a celebrity adopting for unknown reasons-and to be compared to one is insulting. I am a special education teacher in a small town. I have dedicated my entire life (since I was in the 3rd grade) to working with individuals and children with severe and profound intellectual and physical disabilities. I have also volunteered for many children’s causes for many years. Several years ago realized it was time to become a mom! I chose to adopt. It was not a last resort for me and I didn’t feel I was entitled to a child. I simply knew that I had a loving, stable home and I chose to build my family this way. This in no way makes me any better than anyone else, I just wanted to tell you a little of my background. In addition, I could tell you all the conferences I have attended or spoke at and the papers I have written on special needs children but I won’t do so because it in no way make me above anyone else. This experience makes me knowledgeable in a certain field but it doesn’t make me want to accuse strangers of having certain intentions.
4. I do agree 100% agree with Mirah on one point in particular: International Adoption should be a last resort for an orphaned child. I do believe that it is best for a child to remain with his/her birth family or birth country. However, I also realize that there are instances where this cannot happen for a child. International adoption is sometimes a child’s last chance of finding a family. That is the child I was hoping to adopt!!
5. With the recent developments in Vietnam and other countries, this door has been shut for many children. For a child that international adoption is the last resort, his/her chances have no doubt diminshed. Yes, there are other countries other than USA that adopt internationally, so the child may find a family from another country….that is my hope for the children where IA is thier last chance.
6. And finally, I must admit that I will probably take a break from this site. As stated above, I am thankful for the information I have received here over the past 2 years, but I am equally saddened by the way I have felt recently after reading some posts. This decision has nothing to do with any one post, person, or reply–it is simply a personal choice. For my own sake, I must surround myself with positive thoughts and feelings. I am not saying I don’t want to hear honest (and sometimes harmful) facts. I realize that educating oneself is an important part of making decisions. However, presentation of facts are also important. Unfortunately, I have not felt that facts have been given in a constructive manner…instead I feel that angry words have been supported and encouraged. I include myself in this statement. Looking back, I see that I have occasionally typed some harmful words. I recongize that and I cannot and will not continue to be a part of it.
I wish everyone the best of luck in their future endeavors…whatever they may be. I will continue to pray for all the orpans in the world (both domestically and internationally). Every child has the right to a loving family-I hope that one day all children will feel the love of a caring family (whether it be a birth family or an adoptive family).
Tonya,
You shouldn’t go away. This is one of the few places I’ve seen calm rational discourse. It is a learning place. And you seem open – don’t shut yourself off!
The things you are feeling are common to adoptive parents. Without your voice (thank God – refreshingly calm and rational) we can’t have a dialogue. We are only talking with ourselves at that point.
Tonya – I do not pretend to have walked a mile in any of your shoes – anymore than any of you have walked in mine – or those of any mother who has lost a child to adoption, or those who have been adopted. I have, however researched adoption for forty years.
My current book – which contains a chapter to help PAPS avoid being scammed – is, I believe, reviewed in the current (Oct) issue of Adoption Today. RESOLVE said of my first book: “…it is recommended for those who prefer the truth, even if unpleasant, to unquestioned adoption mythology.”
And Gigi Wirtz, Families Adopting Children Everywhere (FACE) said this:
“Although not an easy book for an adoptive parent to read, this is certainly an important book for anyone striving to understand all sides of the adoption triangle. The good news (for adoptive parents) is that Riben is not slamming adoptive parents…her really big guns are leveled at The System. I recommend that adoptive parents read this book.”
I quote these not to brag, or to change any minds. I understand – that this is very upsetting for many.
And PS: Yes, my books ARE edited though my blog comments are not. 🙂
I wish you – and your children well. It is they that this is all about and it is THEM that you will have to answer you not me!
Mira,
While I appreciate your point of view, I am a bit annoyed that you come to this forum with the assumption that ‘we’ do not understand the issues of international adoption. You have come off very righteous- as though ‘educating’ us- and again, assuming most of us are in some fluffy cloud of denial.
In a perfect world, there would be no adoption and children would never be separated from their families, there would be no poverty, countries could take care of their own and every parent would want to parent (relinquishment and abandonment are not always about poverty), there would be no corruption, etc. etc.
Have you ever spent any time volunteering/visiting/working in an orphanage? Seriously, I would like to know. You say you are an adoption expert, so I will assume that you have. If you haven’t, I suggest you take some time to do so. And no, I don’t say this to endorse adoption or water down the issues, but it’s something that I think anyone who claims to be an expert should do.
Jena,
I REALLY appreciated your post, If Indeed.
I wish the whole potential adoptive parent world could read it.
I wish evolution did not have to be at such a high price, and that everyone could learn by listening and absorbing the experience of others, instead of replicating the same mistakes.
I try to consider the source whenever I read, and in this instance, the source is open, self critical, and evolving as a human being.
If I had to choose between you and Katherine C. Peel, who commented on one of my posts:
http://adoptionsurvivor.wordpress.com/2008/10/06/anger-guilt-and-the-grieving-adoptee/
there is no question who is the better parent, and who will have a healthier relationship with their child.
A theme I keep isolating and bringing up in other posts is the difference between an Aparent and a PARENT. The stark and fundamental contrast between the two is defensiveness. And defensiveness is often born of not wanting to feel guilt over something one actually feels uneasy about. Defensiveness is a huge red flag that something is at issue, and it’s not being addressed well. Is validation as a parent really so necessary?
You have managed to drop the ‘A’ from Aparent and become a PARENT. For me at least, all I ever wanted was a parent. But I got Katherine C. Peel instead. I commend you for doing the hard self analysis, acknowledging when you were wrong, taking responsibility for your actions, and working towards positive change.
All that is possible because you are willing to swallow your own discomfort and recognize it as a sign that there is work to be done. A child can’t ask for more than that! A parent who embraces their fallibility and improves because of it. A parent who is accessible instead of righteous. A parent who is open to learning instead of closed.
Your children will always respect you for this, because you’ve acted out of respect for them.
I’m glad to know you Jena, I wish you weren’t so rare.