When I wrote my last post, it was never my intention to malign the writers of the recent petition. I did not mean to give the impression that I thought they were pushing for anything unethical or even asking our government to cut corners. I believe the writers had the very best intentions when they drafted their petition – they saw a problem and took the time to try to do something about it. I respect that very much. I only meant to point out that the wording of the petition may not be completely accurate. My larger point was that as a community we PAP’s are often so anxious to bring our children home that we don’t realize that we may give people (our agencies, the media, our government) the impression that we don’t much care about procedures, which in turn can imply we don’t care much about ethics. In any case, in writing a post about unintended messages I clearly sent an unintended message and I am sorry about that.
Unfortunately, it seems these unintended messages happen pretty often. The other day I read this post by Sang-Shil Kim and learned that some adoptees find it offensive when we adoptive parents take our child’s birth country’s terms for “mom” and “dad” as our own (for instance, referring to myself as Zeeb’s “Me”, the Vietnamese word for “Mommy”) … because in effect I would be implying that I am trying to erase or replace Zeeb’s Vietnamese mother. If I hadn’t read Sang-Shil’s post I probably never would have thought that my well-intentioned attempt to respect and incorporate our son’s Vietnamese heritage into our family could be misinterpreted. After six years as an adoptive parent, I still have much to learn.
Back when we started our first adoption, I had no idea how complicated and sometimes “dark” the international adoption world can be. All I knew was that we felt called to add to our family through adoption and there were children in the world who needed families. I wanted a baby girl and so that’s what we asked for. Our agency gave us a referral very quickly and promised us very quick travel – which would have happened if it weren’t for the INS shutdown. No one told me that asking for a fast referral of a tiny baby girl might contribute to the corrupt practices in Cambodia. For that matter I didn’t even know there were corrupt practices until our adoption was well underway. And the nuances of unintended messages weren’t brought up for a long time after that, and then only because a federal agent from Immigration and Customs Enforcement compiled evidence that showed unequivocally how some Cambodian families were being coerced to relinquish their children.
But let’s not go down the AYAP/Girl preference road again… my point is that as a new adoptive parent, I never meant to do or say anything that might offend someone or somehow encourage unethical behavior. But when we’re living in this world of ever-evolving terminology and dealing with cultures very different from our own, sometimes the messages get twisted. I have found that part of being an adoptive parent is realizing I am in unchartered waters a lot of the time and I’m going to make mistakes.
Unfortunately, it’s a sharp learning curve and the most important messages we send come within just a few months of entering this new and confusing world. It’s for that reason that I decided to become a part of VVAI. Because I wanted to do what I can to prevent the mistakes of the past from repeating. I wanted to share my experience and my hard-earned wisdom with my fellow adopters. That means talking about tough topics and saying things that people don’t want to hear. I don’t like suggesting that there may be facilitators or agencies brokering babies or providing false paperwork. I certainly would never have imagined six years ago that I’d be defending the actions of the U.S. government today. (Though I’d like to see better communication with PAP’s and more transparency in every step of the process – but compared to what we dealt with during the Cambodian shutdown, it is a vast improvement, both in actions and in communication.) But I never intended to send the message that I am the sole expert on all things Vietnam adoption. This is not an exclusive club, here at VVAI. We want this to be a place where anyone who has adopted from Vietnam and who cares about integrity in the adoption process can share their experiences and opinions. I hope many of you will join us – because we are a community and as a community we can send the clear message that ethical adoptions matter.
12 Responses
This question is off topic.
Do you consider this a “safe” time to begin a Vietnam adoption? My husband and I are doing this without an agency (which may sound insane). We started researching about a year ago and in October interviewed home study professionals. We began our homestudy in late November and are now preparing for immigration. With the uncertainty I can’t help but to be a little scared to move forward.
My sister in law and one of my husbands cousins have completed successful adoptions in Vietnam without agency assistance. With their guidance we are hoping to start our family. We will be sending in our I-600a application to the consulate in San Fransisco this month. And planned to travel to Vietnam in April to submit our dossier to the Embassy. If any changes are made do you think that we would be affected once our paper work is in country?
Thank you for any feed back.
Stephanie – regarding the timing, I don’t know. It appears that both VN and the US are intent on making the agreement work, but I know that the US really wants to see a published list of fees from VN and if they don’t provide that, it might be a deal breaker. But most signs indicate that we are not on the verge of a shutdown.
But you should know that it is no longer possible to complete an adoption from VN without the assistance of an agency. The VN-US agreement stipulates that families must work with a VN-licensed adoption service provider. (This was not required before the 2002 shutdown.)
Hi Christina!
Do you have any idea why VN has not published a fee schedule yet? I have heard that it is difficult because of the way the provinces work but I would think that the DIA could establish the fees and if provinces didn’t want to follow them the DIA could simply tell them they won’t process the adoptions. That said, I’m sure I’m over simplifing this BUT it seems like if VN knows that is a deal breaker and have commited to it in the past, that they could make it happen.
Thank you for any insight you have!!
Hi Michelle,
I really have no idea why they haven’t published the fees yet, aside from the issue you mentioned, that the provinces work somewhat independently from the national level. But the DIA has promised the schedule multiple times, including specifically saying it would be published in Sept. ’07 (it wasn’t)… so clearly they know the US wants it. It was a part of the original agreement, so it seems like a rather reasonable request. Unfortunately, it seems some provinces are getting their feathers ruffled with the new I600 process/investigations so I don’t know if that will make it even harder to get their cooperation?? Then again, maybe they will realize the US is really serious and decide to comply? I guess only time will tell.
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Comments along these lines really bother me (nothing personal to Christine, she just happened to be the one that posted it this time). Just like everyone, ethics are important…so I don’t want to go down that road-I am not saying turn a blind eye to anything, but we (the USA) are not doing Vietnam any favors by adopting their children, it’s exactly the opposite. I feel as if the US gov. is like a bull in a china shop and has no regard for the Vietnamese values or cultures. Yes, a published list of fees is important (although if people want to divert funds away they will do it with a fee schedule or not IMO), but the US gov has not exactly been dipolmatic, from what I have heard, in their investigations and accusations……so why in the world should the Vietnamese gov. really care what the US gov wants? They can adopt their children out to a number of countries, they don’t need us. We are lucky to be able to adopt their children, I for one think our government should be using all it’s diplomatic skill to solve these issues and not have seemingly blatant disreagard for the DIA or the other government officials. What does it say to them when they (VN) clear a file and say a child is an orphan and our gov. time after time (this is not a few isolated incidents) conducts their own investigation without any seeming respect or regard for the governement officials, orphanages or birthfamilies. I have heard (and it’s finally being talked about on the Agency Research board) how offended the VN government is and I don’t blame them. We are not the end all be all in this, we are dealing with a country with vastly different values and customs than our own and we need to respect them. We should be working with them, not against them. I was going to say “what kind of unintended messages do you think our Gov. is sending to the DIA”, but I honestly think our gov. knows exactly what it’s doing and what messages they are sending, they simply don’t care who they offend.
Again, I know ethics are important, but lets impose our American standards on the American agencies (hold them to the highest possible standards so they won’t submit a file that is not in order hoping to slip through the cracks) that is where they belong and when something comes up that requires further investigation, let’s use a little tact and diplomacy- I would think the VN gov would appreciate that. The Vietnamese government does not HAVE to work with us at all. The end result of all this pushing and shoving has the very real possiblity of a shut down of this program and not from the US side.
Tracy
Weird-the first part of that was cut off…here is what I was talking about
……….. that the US really wants to see a published list of fees from VN and if they don’t provide that, it might be a deal breaker……..
That’s an interesting perspective, Tracy. I’ve never thought about it that way. Still, if the VN government said they were going to publish a fee schedule, then I don’t think it’s crazy to expect them to do that. Still, you’re right about Americans often not taking cultural issues into account.
I will be teaching a course on cross-cultural communication in a few weeks and will definitely be using some examples from the adoption world in my teaching!
Christine,
I have read that statement that you have the link to before. But I called US/VN consulate in October of 2007 and was told at that time they advise that we use an agency but are not required to. The only agency requirement is the homestudy agency must be licensed for international adoption.
Thank you for your insight
Stephanie,
According to the newly updated US Embassy in Hanoi website: “The Vietnamese government requires parents residing in the United States to employ an adoption agency to assist them throughout the entire process.”
Truly, there is no way for an American to adopt from Vietnam without the aid of one of the 42 licensed agencies.
I agree with Tracy 100%! There is no excuse for our govt. to behave in this fashion. They can talk about ethics all they want but the govt. lets plenty of ethical violations get swept under the rug in other arenas. In my opinion, the CIS has some other agenda. I don’t blame the Vietnamese for being offended. I can understand the CIS questioning the orphages if the referrals were coming directly from them, but they’re not, and if the Vietnamese govt. has certified that a child is a legal orphan then there is no excuse for our govt. not to accept it. To conduct their own investigations is just the same as saying that the Vietnamese govt. is lying.
I just hope that the Vietnamese govt. and people realize that the behavior & rhetoric of the CIS doesn’t reflect the beliefs of most PAP’s. Most of us are grateful that we are able to adopt in Vietnam, and we believe that the Vietnamese gov’t can safeguard the interests of its children without being badgered by the CIS.
Christine,
I’m embarrassed. After replying to you I went to the new link and sure enough it was there. I am so discouraged because I did talk to the consulate in October and was assured that we could do it on our own. Our family in Vietnam also checked and said that yes we could proceed on our own. They were going to be acting on our behalf in Vietnam to submit paperwork for us. During our research process we did select an agency but to save time and money decided to go it alone. So we will have to get in touch with them ASAP b/c the the expiration clock is ticking on the things we’ve already done! sigh
Thank you for all that you do.
Stephanie,
No need to be embarrassed – it’s understandable why you thought you could do it alone. I’m sorry that isn’t the case, it sounds like you had some great help there in VN. Hope you can get things done before they expire – the paperwork process can be so trying! Take care.